A Friend's Loss
My internet, famous, published writer, internet ferret friend, Wolfy, has a famous son via the ferret world. Sean is autistic and as a young child, and even sometimes still, was often unreachable until he met his first ferret, Rocky. The two of them became famous through Wolfy's writings: Modern Ferret and Wolfys Luv for examples.
When Rocky died Sean eventually got a second ferret to help him through, Pharos. Last week Wolfy knew Pharos' time had come and I do not know what transpired, but she has inferred that something was amiss for Pharos. Added to the upheaval of Sean loosing his second doorway to the 'normal' world and she was drowning. None of us is perfect, we do the best we can and hope it is enough, but it never is. I can't imagine what she personally goes through with Sean. We have talked about it and I don't know how she handles the minute by minute frustration she must feel. I could not leave her to shoulder her guilt alone. You all know what that means. . . .
I sent her an email and the subject line said this: Re: pls make time to read - I know you are gonna be swamped
The email follows, and most of her answer, some of the ferret world specifics I edited out.
Ah and here we are again my friend.
Sigh. I am sure you know guilt is part of the 7 stages of grief. Don't need to go there, don't need to tell you what you already know. I carry some heavy burdens there myself, almost all un-talked about. Shut away in a cabinet some where because the pain, pain magnified by honest guilt (well that's not what others think, but I do), is too intense to share. The not exactly embarrassment, more failure to live up to expectations, of myself, of others, the betrayal of trust, all keep those particular wounds silent yet slowly bleeding. I do not wish to be judged by others as I look at these particular hurts and judge myself with no mercy. If there were no mercy in others for my wrongs, how could I face myself, life, go on?
The concession I make to those whom I wronged is this: Every time I bury anyone of my kids or my 4 legged partners I ask: "and please tell Billy Bob I'm sorry I didn't do this better, please ask SideKick to forgive me, I should have known, please tell Soda I am so sorry, I will never again put any human's needs before theirs no matter how small, please tell Nibbos, he was, is, beautiful and I love him and I would give any thing to take back what hurt him, please tell Tonka I love him, so much, and I miss him, so much, and ask him to keep talking to the kid because I think she is finally starting to listen, and please tell him I am so sorry I lost my temper, please tell Bandy, Baine, Tovan and the others I tried my best to save them and I am so sorry I failed, I just couldn't, the doctor says it was not my fault that I did all I could do, but it just wasn't enough - I'm sorry. Please tell them all I love them all, I miss them, and I will see them soon.
Scientifically, medically, there is nothing more I, or anyone else could have done or do for 99.9999% of the kids in my yard. But a few of them, had fate stepped right instead of left with me following behind, would not have died that day, that way. For those few kids I might have been able to save, I pay every day and with each passing, I ask that that request for forgiveness be passed on. The vast majority of folks out there had incredible lives and were incredibly lucky to have left where they were and make it here. I know how that sounds, sorry, it's really not bragging or conceit, but the same is true of your house.
Please, if you want to 'talk' in safety, type away. I will be glad to try to share your burden and ease it if I can then consign it to the nether world of electronic trash cans.
Our thoughts, hearts, and the attached 'ferret hug' to you, Sean, Pharos and the ever present Rocky.
Brenda and all the People in the Weyr - on both sides
I wanted you to know that I did read this on my phone as soon as you sent it. :) I read it twice. The second paragraph helped me a lot in particular.
I've not had much time to be on computer to write at length, so that is why I am just now replying.
The photo was awesome. Very sweet, somber but uplifting. I aim for photos like that ... that show so much contrast, yet soft dark backgrounds. I love the natural light and shadows. With todays cameras, sometimes that's hard to get.
I am finally doing a bit better. Sean has done well. I think he is at complete peace with what happened. And that is all that matters. Funny thing I've seen time and time again over the years. When a little one passes, if they are super bonded to a toy(s)? the others wont touch them!! Sometimes I just bury them with the ferrets because I know it will happen. Sometimes I wait and see and end up picking them up after a few months to save for myself. Pharos didn't care much about toys. But he had a special sleepy spot as well as his rice box. The others have visited the rice box. But that sleepy spot remains untouched. An entire corner in the room. Very strange. And although it brings a little comfort that they have these deep feelings, I also wish for them to pass so I myself can move on.
Thanks for everything,